Deadly

I was thinking if I'm running late. I'm meeting Mara at Deli John's for a brunch and I left my phone at home and didn't wear a watch. I wonder what time is it already. I woke up just in time but got held up a bit at the train station. Maybe I'm still on time.

Mara and I are friends since first grade. We were both wearing braces then and looked almost identical. Many people has mistaken us for twins. We went to school together until high school and was only forced to separate during college. She decided to take a course in Mass Communications while I pursue a teaching course. However, I wasn't able to finish my studies because I got pregnant at eighteen and the father of my child did not want any responsibilities so I was forced to work to raise my child.

I worked shifts at three different jobs just to support my child and to pay the bills. I never opted to ask for my parents though they are willing to support their grandchild. The only thing they insisted on was the apartment for us because they wanted their grandchild to have a decent place to live in. I feel tired most of the time but I never compromise my time with my daughter. Katie is such a sweet child and she's all I have in the world. All my problems all go away whenever we were together.

But I still feel something in my life is missing. Not a lover because I have a number of suitors but I just feel like I'm not yet ready for any of them. What I really wanted was to continue my studies and put up my own kindergarten school. Then I won't have to work three jobs and I'll have more time with Katie. Whenever I thought of this, I thought of Mara. She's what I have dreamed to be. Successful in her career, being the producer of a lot of shows in the biggest television network in the country.

She travels to any place she wanted. I remember that it was both our dreams to travel together and explore different places. But I could not do that now. Mara, however, lived her dreams, our dreams. She's smart and beautiful and very successful. She lives in a large manor in the most exclusive subdivision in the city. She owns several cars and countless properties all over the country and even in some other parts of the world. Everybody loves her and she was once married but the marriage didn't work out well and so they divorced. But still, she exudes an aura of extreme happiness with her success.

I was already in front of the deli and I saw Mara already seated inside from the large glass walls of the restaurant. I smiled at her and she smiled back. She was as immaculate as ever now with a bob cut which made me think of Victoria Beckham. I already knew that whatever hairstyle or outfit she sported, Mara will still be able to carry it with style and grace. I started towards the entrance of the restaurant but stopped when I heard someone call my name. I instantly caught sight of someone familiar. Ellie waved and ran towards me. I glanced back at Mara with a plea on my face and with sign language asked her to spare me some minutes while I talked to Ellie.

***

Carrie looks exactly the same as I had remembered her. We haven't seen each other for almost a year but she still wears the same shoulder-length wavy hair in auburn. I saw some stress lines on her face when she smiled at me but she still looks gorgeous yet simple. No one would think that she already has a six-year old daughter. At that thought, I can't help but feel pain.

When Carrie got pregnant, she was so scared that she wanted an abortion especially when Brad left her on her own. But I advised her not to and that she would be able to make it. Though she was not able to finish school because she had to work for her child, I felt that she became stronger after giving birth to Katie. She became the source of her strength and even if she worked several jobs, I knew she feels satisfied whenever she sees her daughter growing up lovely and smart.

I offered her financial help several times but as strong as she was, she always refuses and I admire her for exceptional strength and bravery. It was that strength that I fear I do not possess. Everyone thinks I am strong as successful as I am, little did they know that I was never whole.

I grew up in a broken home, my mom left us for a younger man and my dad started drinking until he suffered from liver cancer. He died after a few months of being diagnosed and so I was left alone since I was fifteen. Though I was left with enough money to finish school, I persevere in my chosen career to mask the emptiness I felt inside. With this I became indeed successful.

Then I met Willard in one of my leisurely travels. We dated for a few months and got married in the same year. For a while I thought I was the happiest woman on earth, with all my career success and a wonderful husband. But only a few months after we got married, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and so I had a major hysterectomy. This could only mean one thing, that I will not be able to bear a child. Before we got married, Willard and I agreed to have several children since we were both the only child. The operation has changed everything. Though he supported me during the operation and throughout my recovery, after a while, I was seeing less and less of him.

Willard has various businesses in and out of the country and he was out of the country more often. I tried to understand this at first until he came home with apparently grave news. He wanted divorce. He said he cannot have a wife who cannot bear his children. I plead and told him we can find alternative solutions. But I felt that a bomb was dropped in my head when he told me he got someone pregnant.

All of these I have hidden from Carrie. Though she is my bestfriend, I could not bear the look of sympathy from her eyes. I told her that Willard had an affair so I decided to end it and it was what we both agreed to tell the world. He gave me that piece of self-pride so as not to completely humiliate me.

Whenever I look at Carrie and Katie, I could not help but feel the life I would have had. It was that one thing that made me empty once again, that took everything away from me. And now I see Carrie entering the deli, tired but contented having a child whom she loved and who loves her back.

***

The road was quite slippery this morning because the snow has slowly melted and it was drizzling the whole morning. I know I have to be more careful but I drove with speed because I was running late for a date. I know it was weird to have a lunch date but I should grab this opportunity. Allen and I met at a common friend's party two months ago. Since I met him, I had always looked forward to attending gatherings prepared by Bill just to see Allen again. I was unfortunate for a couple of parties but during the last one, I directly told Bill that I liked Allen and wanted to see him again.

But he was out of the country often, having relocated in Milan to attend to his several furniture shop businesses. However, he promised me that he would set Allen a date with me when he comes back. And this has been my lucky morning.

I dressed up and carefully prepared for our meeting. He will only be here for a few hours and I had to grab my chance. It took me longer than usual to dress up careful not to be overdressed yet I still wanted an impression. Before I knew it, I was running late so the option to take the train was out as the stations are always full at around lunch time.

Seeing the Deli John's from a block away, I breathed a sigh of relief. I was just in time, checking my watch. I chanced a glance at my reflection in the rear view mirror to check if I hadn't smudged my lipstick and if my hair is still in place from under my carefully matched beret.

But everything else happened in a flash as I stole a second to view the mirror.

***

I decided to grab a sandwich from Burger Joe's in front of Deli John's. It was already eleven o'clock but I knew I won't be able to have a decent lunch with all the workload that I just received with everything marked as "rush". I knew from the moment I saw the pile stacked on my table that it will be a working lunch. Again.

Working as Dana's personal assistant feels like sitting in hell next to Satan. When I started at Derby's Unlimited, I thought that I was the luckiest person to have been chosen by Dana Derby. Only after a few days that I realized I was gravely mistaken. I have to answer phone calls that seems to come in every minute. I had to type reports, prepare presentations, audit the sheets and bring Dana coffee every thirty minutes. To top it all off, Dana is the kind of boss that never compliments and tries to scrutinize your work for every little mistake that you might have committed.

I felt like quitting after a month but decided I needed the job anyway. The pay was good and more than enough for me though I just have to endure Dana's scowls and insults and yells every single day. Well, I thought that the pay compliments that little self-respect that was taken away from me.

I thought of ordering a nice take away from Deli John's but I didn't have much time to spare so I settled for a double cheeseburger and a coke at Burger Joe's instead. I took my food and had just opened the fastfood's glass door when I saw a speeding Nissan X-terra from the next block which swerved wildly to avoid a passing couple. The driver violently turned the wheel to the right where Deli John's stood from the corner of the street.

The driver probably already lost control of the vehicle as the car hit a lampost and skidded straight to the restaurant's glass walls. I just caught a glance of two women sitting opposite each other who both turned their heads towards the crashing car with utmost terror on their faces.