Do you want to know your future?
So many people are awed by Nostradamus, Edgar Cayce, Jean Dixon, and even Madame Auring (yes, her!) because they claim to predict the future.
Friend, I have a big announcement to make: You can predict the future.
You don’t have to look for a prophet, a seer, or a fortune-teller to know your future. You don’t have to consult the horoscope, the crystal ball, your palm, tea leaves, or fortune cookies to know your future.
You can predict your future.
How? All you have to do is listen to your words.
By examining the words that come out of your mouth, you’ll know your future. Guaranteed.
Let me share with you three people…
Where Do You Want To Go?
Nineteen years ago, I had a friend who was always miserable.
Constantly, I heard “Glenda” say, “Life sucks,” and “Life is terrible,” and “I’m doomed,” and “I’m a looser.” I heard her always sigh with heaviness, “Hay buhay, parang life…”
We lost touch for 11 years.
But I met Glenda recently
Guess what. Her life is still miserable.
Her words created her reality.
My other friend, “Marcel”, liked talking negatively about his health. Ever since I can remember, he kept saying, “I’ll die when I reach fifty.”
I would tell him, “Fifty? My gosh. Don’t say that!”
He’d say, “My father died in his fifties. My grandfather died in his fifties too. So I’m sure I’ll die when I reach fifty.”
True enough, at the exact age of fifty years old, Marcel was walking in the sidewalk. All of a sudden, he fell like a log. Wham. He died of a heart attack.
His words created his reality.
The Bible says that your tongue is like a rudder of a big ship. Like a rudder, your tongue directs your life.
So let me ask you: What kind of future do you want to have?
Don’t use your words to describe your reality. Use your words to create your desired reality.
Another way of putting it: Don’t just talk about where you are. Talk about where you want to go.
Use Your Words To Direct Your Future
My third example is my 84-year old mother.
Last Sunday, Mom was limping.
By Monday, she couldn’t get out of bed. She said her leg was so painful, she couldn’t move it. She couldn’t even walk to the bathroom by herself.
By Tuesday, she was so depressed because we had to put her on a wheelchair. She hated the idea. “I don’t want to be paralyzed!” she said. The entire time, she was moaning and groaning, complaining about the pain and her condition.
That day, I visited her and spoke words of faith. I said, “Mom, this is temporary. You’ll get better.” I prayed for her and taught her a simple healing exercise. I also told her, “Mom, you’ve got to change your words. I know you’re discouraged, but you’ve got to say, “I’m getting better and better everyday.”
She laughed. She asked, “How could I say those words when she had so much pain and could barely move her leg?”
“You’ve got to try!” I said.
But I called her Wednesday and she was better.
I called her Thursday and she began walking.
I called her Friday and she went down the stairs already.
And Sunday? She was at the Feast, walking around like nothing happened.
Perhaps you’re sick like my mother today.
Say, “I feel better and better everyday.”
Echo Joel 3:10, where it says, “Let the weak say I am strong…” So even if you feel weak, believe that God will heal you.
Let me tell you how this works…
Why Faith Words Work
I can explain it in many ways:
· Faith Words affect your emotions in a positive way.
· Faith Words—repeated again and again—create new neural pathways in your brain.
· Faith Words also train your Reticular Activating System (RAS) to be attentive to see the blessings you desire.
All that is true.
But here’s my favorite explanation: Faith Words aren’t just mere positive affirmations; They open your life up to the supernatural power of God.
In Biblical thinking, words aren’t just sounds or noise.
Words are imbued with God’s creative power.
In Genesis, God created the world by His words. He didn’t create light by mixing up stuff with His hands. He simply said, “Let there be light” and there was light.
The Bible also says that death and life are in the power of our tongue. Pretty awesome, right?
God Will Provide
In 2009, my friend Rey Ortega felt God was calling him to rescue babies from abortion. He discussed this with me and passed this dream to my heart. I told him, “Let’s start a ministry.”
Rey then told me, “But I have a problem. How can we raise money for this new work? I’ve exhausted all my friends already for our other work. They all now donate to our Tahanan orphanage and Pagasa scholarship for poor children.”
That’s when I told Rey my Faith Words. Just three words. I said, “God will provide.”
He said, “Wow, I’m impressed by your faith!”
Actually, I was hiding my fear. I was actually scared! In my mind, I said, “Oh no, here I go again, getting myself into another ministry…”
When I said, “God will provide,” we had nothing. Zero. But soon, blessings began to flow like a waterfall.
That month, out of the blue, My Ninang (godmother) called up my office because she needed a speaker for her little prayer group. Specifically, she wanted a speaker to share about the topic, “The Sanctity of Life”.
Obviously, the best speaker on the topic was Rey Ortega. He was the one who had this dream of rescuing babies from abortion in his heart. So I told Rey, “Give the talk. And share our dream to my Ninang. She’s rich!”
And that night, he did.
My Ninang heard Rey’s story and invited him for lunch the next day. When they met, my Ninang said, “You can use my building for your ministry. You have 300 square meters for your halfway house.” Not only that, she spent two million pesos of her own money to remodel it for our use.
We didn’t even call her. She called us.
Was that coincidence?
No. That’s synchronicity of grace. That’s the universe conspiring to bless us. We were no longer chasing after blessings. The blessings were chasing after us. Resources were rolling at our feet, begging that we take them.
“God will provide,” is a powerful Faith Word.
In May 2009, we began Grace To Be Born, a halfway house for pregnant womenin crisis and an orphanage for babies. In 6 months, we’ve rescued 15 babies from abortion.
Friend, are you praying for God to provide for you?
Here’s my belief: Sooner or later, your outside world will match your inside world. What’s does your inside world say?
Remember, your faith is more powerful than your sight.
Your sight can only describe your situation, your faith can direct your situation.
Let me tell you the story of Elijah…
I Hear The Sound Of Heavy Rain
Even When There Is No Rain
I love this incredible story.
For 3 years, there was a drought in Israel. Absolutely no rain in the whole land. In our language, a very bad El Nino.
But one day, the prophet Elijah told King Ahab, “Your problems are over. Go, eat and drink, for I hear the sound of heavy rain.” King Ahab was relieved and followed Elijah’s orders.
But was there actually rain?
None. Not a drop.
In fact, there was not a single cloud in the sky.
That was when Elijah prayed very hard. The Bible says he went up to Mount Carmel, bent over, and placed his head between his knees. If you pray in that posture, that means Elijah was desperate. I should know. That was how I prayed when I was courting my wife. (It worked!)
Elijah then told his servant, “Look towards the sea and check for clouds.”
The servant looked and said, “No clouds.”
You can imagine how worried Elijah must have felt.
So Elijah prayed one more time and told his servant, “Check again.” The servant looked and shook his head, “Nope, no clouds.”
The Bible says this scene was repeated 7 times.
By the seventh time, I can imagine what the poor servant was thinking. I bet he wanted to say, “Elijah, I told you 6 times already, the sky is empty. Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilcho. When are you going to quit? When are you going to tell King Ahab that you made a big booboo?”
But Elijah didn’t quit. He asked him, “Check again.”
Big Clouds Come From Little Clouds
When the servant looked a seventh time, he said, “I saw a little cloud no bigger than a man’s hand, coming up from the sea.”
In other words, he was saying, “Uh, there’s a tiny cloud. But don’t get your hopes up too much. It’s so itsy bitsy tiny, I can cover it with my hand. See? I don’t see it no more.”
But that little cloud was enough for Elijah. He said, “Tell King Ahab to hurry home as he might be caught by the downpour.”
Wow. That’s faith.
And the Bible says the wind began to blow and the heavy rain began to fall.
Friend, it’s your turn to create your miracles.
Do you see an empty sky or a little cloud?
When you focus on emptiness, more emptiness will come. But when you focus on the blessings—no matter how small—more blessings will come.
Speak Blessing Into Your Future
Here’s my message: There’s a connection between what you say and what will happen.
You have a choice: You can say, “There’s not a cloud in the sky” or you can say, “I hear the sound of heavy rain.”
Perhaps today, you don’t see the healing happening yet in your body. But you can confess, “I’m being healed by God right now. Health and healing are flowing into my body. I’m getting better and better everyday.”
Perhaps today, you don’t see your child changing yet. He’s still making bad choices. He’s still hanging out with bad company. He’s still taking drugs. But you can confess, “My child is coming closer to God. As I speak, God is working in his life.”
Perhaps today, you don’t see your financial situation getting better. But you can confess, “I’m getting rich and richer everyday. God is prospering the work of my hands.”
Perhaps today, you don’t see yourself free from addictions yet. But you can confess, “I may have had addictions in the past, but God is starting a new chapter in my life. I may feel weak right now but I declare that God is making me strong.”
Like Elijah, you need to hear the sound of heavy rain even when there’s not a cloud in the sky. You need to hear the heavy rain of blessings into your life even when you don’t see anything yet.
Start speaking words of faith into your future.
Because your words create your reality.
Let me tell you my last story.
Use Your Words To Direct Your Future
Last year, one of my small businesses collapsed.
In a snap, it simply sunk.
Circumstances beyond my control pulled the rug beneath it and it came crashing down.
My small business was almost one year old. All of a sudden, in one day, I lost all my customers.
I wish I could tell you that because I’m a preacher, I smiled and sang, “Give thanks with a grateful heart…”
That’s not true. At least, not right away.
Believe me, I was so discouraged. I was so frustrated, I wanted to say, “This business is dead,” and “I’m a failure,” and “Why did I let this happen? I’m so foolish.”
But I didn’t say those words.
Because I knew words have power.
Instead of using my words to describe my reality, I decided to use my words to create my desired reality.
Every time I wanted to say those negative words, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and proclaimed with faith, “My business will rise up stronger than ever. This failure is temporary. This failure will make my business even better.”
For three months, I tried to resurrect my business. And I couldn’t do it. I felt like I was hitting my head on a brick wall. But no matter how discouraged I felt, I kept saying these faith statements, “My business will rise up stronger than ever.” And I didn’t stop trying to fix it.
And soon, I discovered the blessing within the problem. Because I had to start from scratch, I was able to change my business model.
Today, that small business is doing so much better. Today, I have more customers, more sales, and more profits!
You know what? Today, I thank God my business collapsed. Because it gave me the chance to transform it and make it better.
What happened?
My words—my Faith Words—created my desired reality.
Proclaim Those Faith Words
Look, I’m not saying that speaking Faith Words is all that you need to do to succeed in life. This isn’t magic.
To succeed in life, you need love, wisdom, mentors, action…
But speaking words of faith is incredibly important too!
May I suggest something?
I want you to take five minutes everyday declaring Faith Words. I guarantee that it can change your life. Five minutes in the morning, declare God’s word, including your positive beliefs about your life.
Here’s why. In Mark 11:23, Jesus said something incredible. He said, I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him.
Friend, what is your mountain?
It may be sickness. It may be a troublesome relationship. It may be a lack of money.
Don’t just pray about the mountain. Don’t just talk about the mountain. Instead, speak to the mountain.
That’s what I did to my failed business. I told it to resurrect.
My message again: Don’t use your words to describe your reality. Use your words to create your reality.
Below, you’ll find God’s Word combined with my own positive words. I wrote these Faith Words so that you can speak them everyday. In fact, depending on your particular “mountain”, I want you to say these Faith Words not just once, but many times during the day.
Talk to the mountain of sickness:
“With long life, He satisfies me and shows me His salvation. I’m getting better and better everyday. I am getting stronger and stronger everyday. The power of healing is flowing through my body, mind, and spirit. New health, new joy, new peace, new hope is increasing within me.”
Talk to the mountain of a loved one going astray:
“My child (husband, brother, etc.) is growing closer to God. Deep inside his heart, the Holy Spirit is busy working, changing, and transforming him. He is set free from all his addictions. He will fulfill God’s purpose for his life. I declare that as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”
Talk to the mountain of addictions:
“I may have had addictions in the past, but God is starting a new chapter in my life. I may feel weak now but I declare that God is making me strong. God is setting me free.”
Talk to the mountain of relationship conflicts:
“God is blessing my relationships. Love is increasing. Service for one another is growing. Forgiveness, humility, and understanding flow like a river in my relationships. Old wounds are being healed. Bonds between us are getting stronger and deeper.”
Talk to the mountain of confusion in decision-making:
“The steps of the good person are ordered by the Lord. God directs my steps. God helps me to distinguish what is right from wrong. God shows me the paths to abundance.”
Talk to the mountain of financial difficulty:
“I’m rich and getting richer. I’m generous and getting more generous. God’s abundance is supplying my every need. Everything I touch prospers and succeeds. New doors will open before me. The right people will walk into my life. God will prosper the work of my hands. As I use my core gifts to serve others, I will be richly rewarded.”
Friend, there’s a miracle in your mouth waiting to be released.
Release it today.
May your dreams come true,
Bo Sanchez
Source: http://bosanchez.ph/how-to-use-your-words-to-create-your-reality/
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Movie Saturday
As there was nothing else to do on a Saturday, after waking up at 12 noon and eating brunch afterwards, the whole day was spent on the couch watching DVDs of various films.
SPREAD
SPREAD is a fresh, funny, and racy look at the trials and tribulations of sleeping your way to a life of privilege in Los Angeles. Comic and karmic, the film is an “immorality tale” about a gorgeous guy who gives women what they want in order to live exactly as he likes. In SPREAD, Nikki (Ashton Kutcher) isn’t a gigolo. He’s a sexual grifter, a fun-loving, freeloading hipster who understands his greatest assets are his looks and sexual prowess, which he uses to charm his way into the hearts of the city’s richest women and enjoy their lifestyle. Nikki gets a free place to live, fantastic gifts, A- list access, and plenty of sex. The women get to feel young, beautiful… and utterly fulfilled in the bedroom. It’s a mutually beneficial set-up. Nikki’s latest conquest is Samantha (Anne Heche), a stunning middle- aged lawyer who gives him more than he’s ever had before. But then he meets a gorgeous waitress his own age named Heather (Margarita Levieva). She comes to visit Nikki at Samantha’s house while Samantha is out of town, sees what an incredible place it is… and comes to the mistaken conclusion it’s his. Unbeknownst to Nikki, Heather lives by playing the same game. When Samantha comes home, she discovers Nikki’s infidelity and he’s put out on the street. With nowhere else to turn, Nikki pulls out all the stops to win Heather over and they begin to form their own kind of bond. Sexually charged by a game of one-upsmanship, each shows the other their best grifts, and they unexpectedly begin falling in love – the one thing they can’t do in the life they lead. Soon, the truth of their unfolding relationship forces a choice between love and money, and Nikki has to decide whether he can live on his own once and for all in the hopes of finding something real.
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Celebrity photographer Connor Mead loves freedom, fun and women…in that order. A committed bachelor who thinks nothing of breaking up with multiple women on a conference call, Connor’s mockery of romance proves a real buzz-kill for his kid brother, Paul, and a houseful of well wishers on the eve of Paul’s wedding. Just when it looks like Connor may single-handedly ruin the wedding, he is visited by the ghosts of his former jilted girlfriends, who take him on a revealing and hilarious odyssey through his failed relationships-past, present and future. Together they attempt to find out what turned Connor into such an insensitive jerk and whether there is still hope for him to find true love…or if he really is the lost cause everyone thinks he is.
Up in the Air
George Clooney stars as Ryan Bingham, a corporate hatchet man who loves his life on the road but is forced to fight for his job when his company downsizes its travel budget. He is required to spend more time at home just as he is on the cusp of a goal he's worked toward for years: reaching five million frequent flyer miles and just after he's met the frequent-traveler woman of his dreams.
SPREAD
SPREAD is a fresh, funny, and racy look at the trials and tribulations of sleeping your way to a life of privilege in Los Angeles. Comic and karmic, the film is an “immorality tale” about a gorgeous guy who gives women what they want in order to live exactly as he likes. In SPREAD, Nikki (Ashton Kutcher) isn’t a gigolo. He’s a sexual grifter, a fun-loving, freeloading hipster who understands his greatest assets are his looks and sexual prowess, which he uses to charm his way into the hearts of the city’s richest women and enjoy their lifestyle. Nikki gets a free place to live, fantastic gifts, A- list access, and plenty of sex. The women get to feel young, beautiful… and utterly fulfilled in the bedroom. It’s a mutually beneficial set-up. Nikki’s latest conquest is Samantha (Anne Heche), a stunning middle- aged lawyer who gives him more than he’s ever had before. But then he meets a gorgeous waitress his own age named Heather (Margarita Levieva). She comes to visit Nikki at Samantha’s house while Samantha is out of town, sees what an incredible place it is… and comes to the mistaken conclusion it’s his. Unbeknownst to Nikki, Heather lives by playing the same game. When Samantha comes home, she discovers Nikki’s infidelity and he’s put out on the street. With nowhere else to turn, Nikki pulls out all the stops to win Heather over and they begin to form their own kind of bond. Sexually charged by a game of one-upsmanship, each shows the other their best grifts, and they unexpectedly begin falling in love – the one thing they can’t do in the life they lead. Soon, the truth of their unfolding relationship forces a choice between love and money, and Nikki has to decide whether he can live on his own once and for all in the hopes of finding something real.
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Celebrity photographer Connor Mead loves freedom, fun and women…in that order. A committed bachelor who thinks nothing of breaking up with multiple women on a conference call, Connor’s mockery of romance proves a real buzz-kill for his kid brother, Paul, and a houseful of well wishers on the eve of Paul’s wedding. Just when it looks like Connor may single-handedly ruin the wedding, he is visited by the ghosts of his former jilted girlfriends, who take him on a revealing and hilarious odyssey through his failed relationships-past, present and future. Together they attempt to find out what turned Connor into such an insensitive jerk and whether there is still hope for him to find true love…or if he really is the lost cause everyone thinks he is.
Up in the Air
George Clooney stars as Ryan Bingham, a corporate hatchet man who loves his life on the road but is forced to fight for his job when his company downsizes its travel budget. He is required to spend more time at home just as he is on the cusp of a goal he's worked toward for years: reaching five million frequent flyer miles and just after he's met the frequent-traveler woman of his dreams.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Drowning in a Big Pool of Sh*t
When it rains, it pours. This has been a cliche for God knows how long but still it rings truer every time. How come when one problem arrives, a series is usually in tow?
You get buried underneath until there's no room to breathe. Then you drown slowly, painfully, gasping for breath, trying to reach to anyone who could rescue you. But sometimes, there just isn't anyone. You're on your own.
Then you get to choose. You'll have an option to struggle with all your strength, with all your courage, to paddle hardly just to resurface upwards, to be able to fill your lungs with air.
Or you choose to stop struggling, to just simply lay still, to let the numbness take away your soul. To be able not to feel pain anymore. To calmly welcome the coming oblivion, the promise of nothingness.
When you're in the middle of that pool, the only thing that matters is your choice.
You get buried underneath until there's no room to breathe. Then you drown slowly, painfully, gasping for breath, trying to reach to anyone who could rescue you. But sometimes, there just isn't anyone. You're on your own.
Then you get to choose. You'll have an option to struggle with all your strength, with all your courage, to paddle hardly just to resurface upwards, to be able to fill your lungs with air.
Or you choose to stop struggling, to just simply lay still, to let the numbness take away your soul. To be able not to feel pain anymore. To calmly welcome the coming oblivion, the promise of nothingness.
When you're in the middle of that pool, the only thing that matters is your choice.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Deadly
I was thinking if I'm running late. I'm meeting Mara at Deli John's for a brunch and I left my phone at home and didn't wear a watch. I wonder what time is it already. I woke up just in time but got held up a bit at the train station. Maybe I'm still on time.
Mara and I are friends since first grade. We were both wearing braces then and looked almost identical. Many people has mistaken us for twins. We went to school together until high school and was only forced to separate during college. She decided to take a course in Mass Communications while I pursue a teaching course. However, I wasn't able to finish my studies because I got pregnant at eighteen and the father of my child did not want any responsibilities so I was forced to work to raise my child.
I worked shifts at three different jobs just to support my child and to pay the bills. I never opted to ask for my parents though they are willing to support their grandchild. The only thing they insisted on was the apartment for us because they wanted their grandchild to have a decent place to live in. I feel tired most of the time but I never compromise my time with my daughter. Katie is such a sweet child and she's all I have in the world. All my problems all go away whenever we were together.
But I still feel something in my life is missing. Not a lover because I have a number of suitors but I just feel like I'm not yet ready for any of them. What I really wanted was to continue my studies and put up my own kindergarten school. Then I won't have to work three jobs and I'll have more time with Katie. Whenever I thought of this, I thought of Mara. She's what I have dreamed to be. Successful in her career, being the producer of a lot of shows in the biggest television network in the country.
She travels to any place she wanted. I remember that it was both our dreams to travel together and explore different places. But I could not do that now. Mara, however, lived her dreams, our dreams. She's smart and beautiful and very successful. She lives in a large manor in the most exclusive subdivision in the city. She owns several cars and countless properties all over the country and even in some other parts of the world. Everybody loves her and she was once married but the marriage didn't work out well and so they divorced. But still, she exudes an aura of extreme happiness with her success.
I was already in front of the deli and I saw Mara already seated inside from the large glass walls of the restaurant. I smiled at her and she smiled back. She was as immaculate as ever now with a bob cut which made me think of Victoria Beckham. I already knew that whatever hairstyle or outfit she sported, Mara will still be able to carry it with style and grace. I started towards the entrance of the restaurant but stopped when I heard someone call my name. I instantly caught sight of someone familiar. Ellie waved and ran towards me. I glanced back at Mara with a plea on my face and with sign language asked her to spare me some minutes while I talked to Ellie.
***
Carrie looks exactly the same as I had remembered her. We haven't seen each other for almost a year but she still wears the same shoulder-length wavy hair in auburn. I saw some stress lines on her face when she smiled at me but she still looks gorgeous yet simple. No one would think that she already has a six-year old daughter. At that thought, I can't help but feel pain.
When Carrie got pregnant, she was so scared that she wanted an abortion especially when Brad left her on her own. But I advised her not to and that she would be able to make it. Though she was not able to finish school because she had to work for her child, I felt that she became stronger after giving birth to Katie. She became the source of her strength and even if she worked several jobs, I knew she feels satisfied whenever she sees her daughter growing up lovely and smart.
I offered her financial help several times but as strong as she was, she always refuses and I admire her for exceptional strength and bravery. It was that strength that I fear I do not possess. Everyone thinks I am strong as successful as I am, little did they know that I was never whole.
I grew up in a broken home, my mom left us for a younger man and my dad started drinking until he suffered from liver cancer. He died after a few months of being diagnosed and so I was left alone since I was fifteen. Though I was left with enough money to finish school, I persevere in my chosen career to mask the emptiness I felt inside. With this I became indeed successful.
Then I met Willard in one of my leisurely travels. We dated for a few months and got married in the same year. For a while I thought I was the happiest woman on earth, with all my career success and a wonderful husband. But only a few months after we got married, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and so I had a major hysterectomy. This could only mean one thing, that I will not be able to bear a child. Before we got married, Willard and I agreed to have several children since we were both the only child. The operation has changed everything. Though he supported me during the operation and throughout my recovery, after a while, I was seeing less and less of him.
Willard has various businesses in and out of the country and he was out of the country more often. I tried to understand this at first until he came home with apparently grave news. He wanted divorce. He said he cannot have a wife who cannot bear his children. I plead and told him we can find alternative solutions. But I felt that a bomb was dropped in my head when he told me he got someone pregnant.
All of these I have hidden from Carrie. Though she is my bestfriend, I could not bear the look of sympathy from her eyes. I told her that Willard had an affair so I decided to end it and it was what we both agreed to tell the world. He gave me that piece of self-pride so as not to completely humiliate me.
Whenever I look at Carrie and Katie, I could not help but feel the life I would have had. It was that one thing that made me empty once again, that took everything away from me. And now I see Carrie entering the deli, tired but contented having a child whom she loved and who loves her back.
***
The road was quite slippery this morning because the snow has slowly melted and it was drizzling the whole morning. I know I have to be more careful but I drove with speed because I was running late for a date. I know it was weird to have a lunch date but I should grab this opportunity. Allen and I met at a common friend's party two months ago. Since I met him, I had always looked forward to attending gatherings prepared by Bill just to see Allen again. I was unfortunate for a couple of parties but during the last one, I directly told Bill that I liked Allen and wanted to see him again.
But he was out of the country often, having relocated in Milan to attend to his several furniture shop businesses. However, he promised me that he would set Allen a date with me when he comes back. And this has been my lucky morning.
I dressed up and carefully prepared for our meeting. He will only be here for a few hours and I had to grab my chance. It took me longer than usual to dress up careful not to be overdressed yet I still wanted an impression. Before I knew it, I was running late so the option to take the train was out as the stations are always full at around lunch time.
Seeing the Deli John's from a block away, I breathed a sigh of relief. I was just in time, checking my watch. I chanced a glance at my reflection in the rear view mirror to check if I hadn't smudged my lipstick and if my hair is still in place from under my carefully matched beret.
But everything else happened in a flash as I stole a second to view the mirror.
***
I decided to grab a sandwich from Burger Joe's in front of Deli John's. It was already eleven o'clock but I knew I won't be able to have a decent lunch with all the workload that I just received with everything marked as "rush". I knew from the moment I saw the pile stacked on my table that it will be a working lunch. Again.
Working as Dana's personal assistant feels like sitting in hell next to Satan. When I started at Derby's Unlimited, I thought that I was the luckiest person to have been chosen by Dana Derby. Only after a few days that I realized I was gravely mistaken. I have to answer phone calls that seems to come in every minute. I had to type reports, prepare presentations, audit the sheets and bring Dana coffee every thirty minutes. To top it all off, Dana is the kind of boss that never compliments and tries to scrutinize your work for every little mistake that you might have committed.
I felt like quitting after a month but decided I needed the job anyway. The pay was good and more than enough for me though I just have to endure Dana's scowls and insults and yells every single day. Well, I thought that the pay compliments that little self-respect that was taken away from me.
I thought of ordering a nice take away from Deli John's but I didn't have much time to spare so I settled for a double cheeseburger and a coke at Burger Joe's instead. I took my food and had just opened the fastfood's glass door when I saw a speeding Nissan X-terra from the next block which swerved wildly to avoid a passing couple. The driver violently turned the wheel to the right where Deli John's stood from the corner of the street.
The driver probably already lost control of the vehicle as the car hit a lampost and skidded straight to the restaurant's glass walls. I just caught a glance of two women sitting opposite each other who both turned their heads towards the crashing car with utmost terror on their faces.
Mara and I are friends since first grade. We were both wearing braces then and looked almost identical. Many people has mistaken us for twins. We went to school together until high school and was only forced to separate during college. She decided to take a course in Mass Communications while I pursue a teaching course. However, I wasn't able to finish my studies because I got pregnant at eighteen and the father of my child did not want any responsibilities so I was forced to work to raise my child.
I worked shifts at three different jobs just to support my child and to pay the bills. I never opted to ask for my parents though they are willing to support their grandchild. The only thing they insisted on was the apartment for us because they wanted their grandchild to have a decent place to live in. I feel tired most of the time but I never compromise my time with my daughter. Katie is such a sweet child and she's all I have in the world. All my problems all go away whenever we were together.
But I still feel something in my life is missing. Not a lover because I have a number of suitors but I just feel like I'm not yet ready for any of them. What I really wanted was to continue my studies and put up my own kindergarten school. Then I won't have to work three jobs and I'll have more time with Katie. Whenever I thought of this, I thought of Mara. She's what I have dreamed to be. Successful in her career, being the producer of a lot of shows in the biggest television network in the country.
She travels to any place she wanted. I remember that it was both our dreams to travel together and explore different places. But I could not do that now. Mara, however, lived her dreams, our dreams. She's smart and beautiful and very successful. She lives in a large manor in the most exclusive subdivision in the city. She owns several cars and countless properties all over the country and even in some other parts of the world. Everybody loves her and she was once married but the marriage didn't work out well and so they divorced. But still, she exudes an aura of extreme happiness with her success.
I was already in front of the deli and I saw Mara already seated inside from the large glass walls of the restaurant. I smiled at her and she smiled back. She was as immaculate as ever now with a bob cut which made me think of Victoria Beckham. I already knew that whatever hairstyle or outfit she sported, Mara will still be able to carry it with style and grace. I started towards the entrance of the restaurant but stopped when I heard someone call my name. I instantly caught sight of someone familiar. Ellie waved and ran towards me. I glanced back at Mara with a plea on my face and with sign language asked her to spare me some minutes while I talked to Ellie.
***
Carrie looks exactly the same as I had remembered her. We haven't seen each other for almost a year but she still wears the same shoulder-length wavy hair in auburn. I saw some stress lines on her face when she smiled at me but she still looks gorgeous yet simple. No one would think that she already has a six-year old daughter. At that thought, I can't help but feel pain.
When Carrie got pregnant, she was so scared that she wanted an abortion especially when Brad left her on her own. But I advised her not to and that she would be able to make it. Though she was not able to finish school because she had to work for her child, I felt that she became stronger after giving birth to Katie. She became the source of her strength and even if she worked several jobs, I knew she feels satisfied whenever she sees her daughter growing up lovely and smart.
I offered her financial help several times but as strong as she was, she always refuses and I admire her for exceptional strength and bravery. It was that strength that I fear I do not possess. Everyone thinks I am strong as successful as I am, little did they know that I was never whole.
I grew up in a broken home, my mom left us for a younger man and my dad started drinking until he suffered from liver cancer. He died after a few months of being diagnosed and so I was left alone since I was fifteen. Though I was left with enough money to finish school, I persevere in my chosen career to mask the emptiness I felt inside. With this I became indeed successful.
Then I met Willard in one of my leisurely travels. We dated for a few months and got married in the same year. For a while I thought I was the happiest woman on earth, with all my career success and a wonderful husband. But only a few months after we got married, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and so I had a major hysterectomy. This could only mean one thing, that I will not be able to bear a child. Before we got married, Willard and I agreed to have several children since we were both the only child. The operation has changed everything. Though he supported me during the operation and throughout my recovery, after a while, I was seeing less and less of him.
Willard has various businesses in and out of the country and he was out of the country more often. I tried to understand this at first until he came home with apparently grave news. He wanted divorce. He said he cannot have a wife who cannot bear his children. I plead and told him we can find alternative solutions. But I felt that a bomb was dropped in my head when he told me he got someone pregnant.
All of these I have hidden from Carrie. Though she is my bestfriend, I could not bear the look of sympathy from her eyes. I told her that Willard had an affair so I decided to end it and it was what we both agreed to tell the world. He gave me that piece of self-pride so as not to completely humiliate me.
Whenever I look at Carrie and Katie, I could not help but feel the life I would have had. It was that one thing that made me empty once again, that took everything away from me. And now I see Carrie entering the deli, tired but contented having a child whom she loved and who loves her back.
***
The road was quite slippery this morning because the snow has slowly melted and it was drizzling the whole morning. I know I have to be more careful but I drove with speed because I was running late for a date. I know it was weird to have a lunch date but I should grab this opportunity. Allen and I met at a common friend's party two months ago. Since I met him, I had always looked forward to attending gatherings prepared by Bill just to see Allen again. I was unfortunate for a couple of parties but during the last one, I directly told Bill that I liked Allen and wanted to see him again.
But he was out of the country often, having relocated in Milan to attend to his several furniture shop businesses. However, he promised me that he would set Allen a date with me when he comes back. And this has been my lucky morning.
I dressed up and carefully prepared for our meeting. He will only be here for a few hours and I had to grab my chance. It took me longer than usual to dress up careful not to be overdressed yet I still wanted an impression. Before I knew it, I was running late so the option to take the train was out as the stations are always full at around lunch time.
Seeing the Deli John's from a block away, I breathed a sigh of relief. I was just in time, checking my watch. I chanced a glance at my reflection in the rear view mirror to check if I hadn't smudged my lipstick and if my hair is still in place from under my carefully matched beret.
But everything else happened in a flash as I stole a second to view the mirror.
***
I decided to grab a sandwich from Burger Joe's in front of Deli John's. It was already eleven o'clock but I knew I won't be able to have a decent lunch with all the workload that I just received with everything marked as "rush". I knew from the moment I saw the pile stacked on my table that it will be a working lunch. Again.
Working as Dana's personal assistant feels like sitting in hell next to Satan. When I started at Derby's Unlimited, I thought that I was the luckiest person to have been chosen by Dana Derby. Only after a few days that I realized I was gravely mistaken. I have to answer phone calls that seems to come in every minute. I had to type reports, prepare presentations, audit the sheets and bring Dana coffee every thirty minutes. To top it all off, Dana is the kind of boss that never compliments and tries to scrutinize your work for every little mistake that you might have committed.
I felt like quitting after a month but decided I needed the job anyway. The pay was good and more than enough for me though I just have to endure Dana's scowls and insults and yells every single day. Well, I thought that the pay compliments that little self-respect that was taken away from me.
I thought of ordering a nice take away from Deli John's but I didn't have much time to spare so I settled for a double cheeseburger and a coke at Burger Joe's instead. I took my food and had just opened the fastfood's glass door when I saw a speeding Nissan X-terra from the next block which swerved wildly to avoid a passing couple. The driver violently turned the wheel to the right where Deli John's stood from the corner of the street.
The driver probably already lost control of the vehicle as the car hit a lampost and skidded straight to the restaurant's glass walls. I just caught a glance of two women sitting opposite each other who both turned their heads towards the crashing car with utmost terror on their faces.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
The Holidays
The Christmas and New Year celebrations didn't come out sad after all. On the morning of the 24th, we were all very busy preparing for the evening's Noche Buena. We had lots of food because we designated each and everyone to cook or prepare a little something and so we had 10 different dishes on the table. It was a simple Christmas dinner and some videoke afterwards.
On Christmas day itself, the rest of our friends arrived in the house at around 7pm for a simple Christmas party hosted by Toni and Don. We had several parlor games and it was a fun party complete with exchanging gifts. We planned to watch Avatar after the party but the theaters were all fully booked already. So they just all headed home happy and contented with our simple Christmas celebration.
On New Year's Eve, we had the same setup as Christmas, everyone prepared his or her own food. As usual, we prepared from morning til almost midnight. This time though, some friends joined us in the celebration. We also had fun as we tried to play "charades". We stayed awake until 4am because we had to go to Bapa Edie's place to celebrate there too.
At around 11am on New Year's day, I got a call from Haidee telling us that they are coming. As we have invited them, we got up to prepare the "leftovers". Later, Toni and the rest of the others arrived too and had lunch. After eating, We played another charades game and it was really a lot of fun. It was girls vs. boys and a mobile load was given as a prize. Luckily, we won.
They stayed until twilight after coaxing Karl to cook Arozcaldo and they surprisingly cleaned up the entire cauldron.
I also had my haircut. It was the first time in years to have my hair cut this short and to top it all, I have bangs! But I am not too happy about it. It just feels better to have a "new look" on New Year.
On Christmas day itself, the rest of our friends arrived in the house at around 7pm for a simple Christmas party hosted by Toni and Don. We had several parlor games and it was a fun party complete with exchanging gifts. We planned to watch Avatar after the party but the theaters were all fully booked already. So they just all headed home happy and contented with our simple Christmas celebration.
On New Year's Eve, we had the same setup as Christmas, everyone prepared his or her own food. As usual, we prepared from morning til almost midnight. This time though, some friends joined us in the celebration. We also had fun as we tried to play "charades". We stayed awake until 4am because we had to go to Bapa Edie's place to celebrate there too.
At around 11am on New Year's day, I got a call from Haidee telling us that they are coming. As we have invited them, we got up to prepare the "leftovers". Later, Toni and the rest of the others arrived too and had lunch. After eating, We played another charades game and it was really a lot of fun. It was girls vs. boys and a mobile load was given as a prize. Luckily, we won.
They stayed until twilight after coaxing Karl to cook Arozcaldo and they surprisingly cleaned up the entire cauldron.
I also had my haircut. It was the first time in years to have my hair cut this short and to top it all, I have bangs! But I am not too happy about it. It just feels better to have a "new look" on New Year.
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